


Where do we go from here

by NanPan86



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24398842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86
Summary: Epilogue AddedSequel to “If you know me”They both thought the hardest part would be getting together, neither gave any thought to what would happen after.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton
Comments: 20
Kudos: 90





	1. Slipping through my fingers

“And all I’m saying is that it would be nice to have the extra space.” Jay exasperates. Honestly, it’s been nearly two months of looking for the ‘right’ place and he’s getting a little tired of Hailey shooting down every place they look at.

It takes everything inside of Hailey to not outwardly roll her eyes. “A four bedroom for the two of us is insane Jay. We don’t need it.” She isn’t purposefully trying to be difficult, she just honestly doesn’t understand why he keeps agreeing with the real estate agent on these three and four bedroom listings. She would be fine just staying at Jay’s. He’s got the small extra bedroom and she likes the neighborhood, but he insists that they need something bigger...something they can grow into. 

They are sitting, looking at the computer on the couch at Jay’s or their flat...she’s been living with him for that last 7 months. About a month after the trip to the pumpkin patch, Jay had made the decision to get Hailey to move in with him. Over the weeks between Halloween and Thanksgiving, he had slowly started to clear space for her things when she wasn’t around. He never said anything about it, just slowly began to put a couple of her things in the dresser drawers and started hanging up some of her clothes too. By the time Hailey realized what was happening, she was basically living there full time anyway so she didn’t fight it. She didn’t want to fight it anyway...so she rented out her place and when her lease was up, she didn’t renew. He had given her a new ‘official’ key to what was now their flat and it was probably one of the easiest decisions she’d ever made.

“Where’d you go?” 

He’s looking at her, and she realizes she must have spaced out for a bit. She doesn’t want to look at any more houses or condos tonight. She threads her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and sets the computer aside. She moves to straddle his legs and then she’s losing herself as her lips move against his. Her hands move to his waist, her fingers brushing against the skin above the tops of his jeans.

He knows what she’s doing. It’s not the first time she had initiated sex to distract him, but instead of letting her continue, he grips her wrists, halting her movements. 

“Hailey stop.” He says it gently waiting for her to look at him. When she lets out a breath and starts to stand from him he lets her.

“If all your after is sex, I’m fine with that. But if you’re using it to get out of discussing moving into a new place...I’m not okay with that” He stands and walks over to her, but doesn’t touch her. “We talked about getting a new place. You seemed like you were on board with it...what’s changed now?” 

“Nothing has changed, I just don’t see the need for us to live in a place that’s going to have wasted space.” She keeps her voice level, not wanting to turn this into a full argument. She’s got her suspicions about why he wants the extra space and she is not ready for that conversation yet. 

Jay studies her. He knows she’s hiding something but he’s not sure what it could be. He can’t help but feel like she’s sliding away from him. He doesn’t want to push her, and he is still so afraid of losing her that he ends up giving in to what she wants.

“Look, do I think we could use the extra space a three or four bedroom would provide? Yeah, I do...” He hesitates when he sees her shut her eyes and press her lips into a thin line. He can tell this is more than her just not wanting to move. There’s a real reason she doesn’t want a bigger place and he hopes that by putting this discussion on the back burner for now, that she will talk to him about what’s going on inside her mind. He reaches for her hand and is relieved that even though she doesn’t grip his back, she isn’t pulling away either.

“If you aren’t ready to move then I won’t push the matter. We can stay here...save up some more money and when the time is right, we can reopen this. Okay?” He tugs her hand a little, turning her in the process and he can see the relief wash over her. “You know you can tell me anything, that hasn’t changed.” After everything it took to get here, he still has this overwhelming need to make sure they are okay. 

Hailey nods her head, her throat a little too tight to allow her to speak without her emotions betraying her. She’s being selfish, she knows this. He took her past, her most feared secrets and insecurities, in stride. He never made her feel less than, and she loves him more than she thought possible for that reason alone. She will tell him eventually, before things get more serious, but if she tells him now, it will change their whole dynamic...and so she keeps her reasons to herself. She moves into his space now, winding her arms around his neck, tipping her head up to meet his gaze.

“Thank you for hearing me.” She presses a kiss to his jaw before resting her head on his shoulder and she lets Jay hold her. She hopes they can work through this, but she has to tell him first...just not yet.

The next morning, Hailey skipped her morning run with Jay. She’d feigned a headache and stayed in bed until she heard Jay returning. She got up quickly and made her way into the shower. She was just buttoning up her shirt when Jay came into the bedroom, a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Shower help any?” He handed her the coffee and went into the closet to to grab clothes for the day.

“Maybe a little...I’ll be fine as long as it doesn’t get worse.” She felt guilty for lying, but she wasn’t sure she could handle being alone in her head running with Jay. She left him be, and went into the kitchen to get some breakfast ready for the both of them. She was just drying the last pan when Jay came out clipping his badge on.

They ate in the truck on the drive in, neither speaking. Jay’s thoughts were working overtime worrying about what was bothering Hailey. He found himself in a situation from so many months ago as he reached out and stopped her from opening the passenger door as he parked the truck.

“Are we okay?” He hated to ask, but he also just needed the reassurance. Hailey offered him a half smile and said they were fine, before hopping out of the truck. He couldn’t help but feel his heart sink a bit. Had she just lied to him?

He watched as she rounded the front of the truck and made her way inside, not looking back once. His hands scrub down his face and he breathes deeply. He grabs his phone and heads into the building after her, ready to get to work.

They catch a case within the hour and it’s a tough one for everyone. A missing kid. Jack Hadson, 9 years old. Last seen walking to the bus stop. The entire team is busy searching for anything that will help them locate the boy. They scour the neighborhood and question everyone that answers their door if they may have seen something. They get a small break when they find a residents private security camera pointing towards the street where the boy was last seen. When they got it back to the station they queued it up to a couple minutes before Jack had left the house. The camera shows some other kids walking towards the bus stop and then an old moving truck crosses in front of the camera. Just as it passes, Jack could be seen crossing the street and moving to the next sidewalk. He goes out of frame, but less than ten seconds later, the same truck is moving back the opposite direction and it’s moving fast. 

They rewatch the video over and over hoping to catch a glimpse of the driver or the plates of the truck, with no luck. Almost an hour after they came back with the security footage, Kim came barging into the room letting everyone know that they got the plates of the truck from another camera at a storefront two blocks away. They put out a city wide alert, and everyone on the team hit the streets once again waiting for someone to come over the radio telling them they had located the truck.

The call came fifteen minutes later, and Kim and Vanessa were the closest responding team members. They pulled up and waited for the rest of the team to arrive, while taking in their surroundings. The truck was parked in front of an old strip mall. A large building that looked like it had been an antique mall at some point. The front was all boarded up but Vanessa had just located a side door when the rest of the unit pulled up.

Adam, Kevin, and Voight quietly breached the side entrance while the rest of the team went around the back looking for another entry. Hailey found a floor level window that was only partially boarded up and made quick work of pulling another board off to have enough room to get through. Once everyone was inside they separated again, Hailey and Jay moving towards one side, and Vanessa and Kim the other. They were in the building less than 45 seconds when they heard shots ring out followed by running footsteps toward their location at the back of the building. Jay saw them first, shouting for them to stop and put their hands up. When the offenders didn’t comply, he fired two shots hitting both of his targets.

He felt Hailey’s hand on his back, ready to move when he did. They moved in complete synchronization and quickly cleared the two rooms they passed. They gave their location over the comms and waited for everyone to give the okay before moving again. 

“Oh my god.” Kim’s voice came through, and when she shouted that they needed an ambulance, everyone was moving to them. 

Vanessa was on the ground, slumped against the wall holding pressure to her side. Kevin started to make his way to her but she shook her head and nodded towards the far side of the room.

“I’m fine...just a graze. Help them.” The team turned and saw what she was gesturing to. There, on the side wall were six metal cages, and inside those cages were kids. Hailey couldn’t see from this distance how many exactly, but as she moved closer she counted eight. 

“Jesus...there’s a baby.” This time it was Jay’s voice. He was crouched down in front of a small green basket filled with old blankets. As Voight and Adam worked on unlocking the rest of the cages, Jay carefully lifted the infant from the basket and let out a relieved breath saying the baby had a pulse and was breathing.

“Jack? Is that you buddy?” Adam was kneeling in front of a little boy wearing the same bright blue tank top Mrs. Hadson said Jack was wearing that morning. 

“I’m Jack.” The little boy managed to get out, whispering that he wanted to go home, and while Jay held the baby, the rest of the team gathered up the remaining kids and walked them outside where officers and ambulances were waiting.

Hailey stayed back, just watching Jay. They had gotten lucky today...the chances of them finding Jack were pretty slim and then they ended not only finding him, but nine kids in total including the baby Jay was currently clutching to his chest. She couldn’t make out what he was saying, but she caught his lips moving and watched as he snuggled the baby closer and tucked its head under his chin. When he opened his eyes, they landed on her, and he smiled over at her gesturing for her to come over. Hailey shook her head and pointed toward Vanessa and he seemed to understand that she was waiting for her.

She turned and walked to the ambulance Vanessa was currently inside, being tended to. She was lucky. The bullet really had only grazed her hip and aside from the six stitches she just got, she was going to be fine. 

“All good?” Hailey gave a little laugh when Vanessa gave her a goofy grin and two thumbs up. 

“Awww...look at your man over there, rocking that baby. He’s got every woman here drooling.” 

Hailey scoffed but then paled slightly when she saw exactly what Vanessa was talking about. Most of the women that weren’t currently busy, were eyeing Jay. They had the same dreamy expression on their faces.

“Jay’s working that baby and it seems to be affecting every female here except you.” Vanessa eyed her, trying to read the expression on Hailey’s face. “What’s going on? No baby fever for you yet?” It was an innocent question, but Hailey couldn’t help the way her heart sank, or the tears that burned in her eyes. 

She took a deep breath before turning back to Vanessa, determined not to let the tears fall.

“I think I’m gonna lose him.” Hailey managed to get it out without her voice breaking.

She said it so sadly, so beaten down and unlike the person Vanessa had come to know over the last few months. She hopped down from the ambulance as quickly and carefully as she could and gently touched Hailey’s shoulder. “What’s happened? What do you mean?” She was genuinely concerned and waited for her to answer.

“I’ll never be able to be enough for him. I...I can’t give him what he wants.” She didn’t elaborate, and stepped back from her. What was she thinking? She doesn’t share her personal life like this.

She made an excuse about getting back, knowing Vanessa still had to be given the official all clear before she could leave. Most of the team was still here so she’d have a ride when she was cleared. 

Hailey made her way over to one of the patrol cars looking for a ride back to the district. She didn’t want to wait around anymore, and after the kid she had been in charge of had been picked up by social services, she was basically just sitting around anyway. One of the officers offered her a lift back and she gladly accepted. She shot a quick text to Kim letting her know she was going back to get a jump start on the paper work and then tucked her phone away. She knew Jay was preoccupied with the baby and probably wouldn’t check his phone anyway, so she didn’t text him.

She was nearly done with her paper work when she heard the gate buzz downstairs. The closing was followed by quick light footsteps and Hailey turned to see who was rounding the corner. She didn’t recognize the sound of the steps, but then she caught sight of Clara’s bright red hair and she stood up smiling. Her smile vanished when the girl threw herself into Hailey and began to sob.

“Clara sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Hailey’s hands moved to gently rub the girls back. When Clara finally began to speak it was so full of gasping breaths and harsh sobs that Hailey couldn’t understand her at all. All Hailey could do at this point was try to calm her down. She wouldn’t get anything useful out of her like this.

It took nearly fifteen minutes for Clara to calm enough for her to try and tell Hailey again.

“They’re gonna send me away.” Tears are still gathering and falling from her eyes, and her breaths stutter through her sentence.

“Clara, start from the beginning...tell me what’s going on so I can help. Okay?” The only other time she’s seen Clara this upset is the first day she met her. There are a hundred scenarios running through her mind and she just wants to know what’s going on.

“Brian’s work gave him a promotion and he has to move to Florida for his new job. They can’t take us with them and my case worker said I probably will be placed outside of Chicago.” She breaks into sobs again as she finishes. Brian and Jessa Tate are the foster parents Clara was placed with, as well as another little girl a couple years younger that Clara. They were great people, the kind of people, that if you get thrown into the foster system, these are the ones you want. They are kind and loving and so giving. They gave Clara stability when she needed it the most.

Hailey doesn’t even know what to say right now. She loves Clara...hell they all do. She just has a deeper bond considering their upbringing. She knows if Clara leaves Chicago, the chances of them being able to see each other drops significantly. She doesn’t want that to happen, but she doesn’t know a way around it.

“Clara...”

“If you’re about to tell me everything is going to be okay I swear I’ll scream.” Clara has never spoken to Hailey that way, but she’s scared and so angry the only thing that feels right is lashing out. “You have to fix this, you have to! You can’t let them take me away!” She starts to cry again, hating how unfair life is.

“What in the world is going on up here?” In all the commotion, neither had heard the gate buzz open or closed, and because of Clara’s hysterics, Trudy had practically been a foot away before either girl noticed her.

Hailey quickly put a hand up to Clara to stop her from speaking, relaying the information she had given her to Trudy. Listening to her sob her way through it was hard enough the first time. She didn’t need to do it again.

“You have friends everywhere, that’s what you always say. Please, I don’t want to leave.” Trudy gives her a sad smile and takes her hand in hers.

“Let’s all calm down okay? I’ll uh...see what I can do, okay?” She holds Clara’s gaze and tells her that while she will do her best, she can’t make any promises and that she shouldn’t get her hopes up just yet. She sends Clara downstairs again to wait for her handing her a $5 bill.

“Get something good from the vending machine in the break room down there and I’ll be down in a couple minutes.”

When Clara turns away and heads to the stairs, she doesn’t even look at Hailey again...like she might blame her for this happening. Hailey just brings her hands up and rubs at her temples. That headache she had faked this morning was paying her back big time right now. 

“So listen...” Trudy startles Hailey and then tells her to focus. “What if...What if me and Randy took Clara?” She ignores Hailey’s shocked expression and continues. “I’m already approved to foster kids, and Randy would do it in a heartbeat if I told him why. We could keep her here, with us.” 

Hailey is looking at her like she has never seen her before. She knows Trudy has a soft spot for Clara, but now she can see she truly loves her too. She would do anything to protect her and make her happy.

“I guess I’d say to talk it over with your husband before you even think any further on the matter.” Hailey stands and turns off her computer, closing the open file on her desk. They both move to the stairs and start to walk down. “Hypothetically, it sounds like a great idea, I just don’t want anyone to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out...”

Trudy renders Hailey speechless when she begins to talk again.

“It didn’t work out once before...a long time ago. I uh, met this little girl, ten years old, brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. She was just this scared little kid, something about her made me want to hold on to her and never let her go.” She stops as she walks through the gate, holding the door open for Hailey. “I got registered as fast as you could, and I was all set to bring this little one home with me when I got shot...it wasn’t serious, but it ended my career out there on the streets and I was in no shape to take a kid on after that. I tried to find her when I managed to get myself together again, I just wanted to make a difference in her life, but I didn’t have the connections back then that I have now. The next time I saw her was twenty one years later...she walked right up to me at that desk and didn’t even know me.” She told Hailey this with a sad lilt to her voice. When Hailey only stood there staring at her, she told her to go home and get some sleep. Then she was walking behind the desk to find Clara.

Hailey was so shocked at her revelation that she honestly couldn’t move. ‘Trudy had wanted her? She had wanted to take Hailey into her life?’ It takes a few seconds, then she is practically running after Trudy behind the desk. She vaguely hears Kevin ask her where the fire is, and she’s pretty sure she sees Jay behind him looking at her worriedly, but she doesn’t stop. She just needs to get to Trudy. She sees her pulling mail and sorting it, and watches as she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Sarge...Trudy” She starts and then waits for her to turn around. When she does turn, Hailey can see her eyes are all watery and she can’t miss the few tears that escaped. She takes another step into the room, letting out a breath. “You did make a difference. I never forgot you. You were the first person who didn’t treat me like I was a monster or a mistake, or so messed up kid...you did save me...even though you were only in my life for a couple of weeks, the things you said and did for me...I didn’t forget, I’ll never forget.” Hailey moves closer, and though she has seen her hug Clara, they certainly haven’t hugged...well not in twenty one years anyway. She’s not sure how she will react, but she draws the older woman into a hug anyway and when she hears Trudy let out a surprised gasp, she holds her tighter.

“Thank you for wanting me. For helping me. I’m sorry you got hurt and things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. It would have been really nice to be with someone who genuinely wanted me.” Hailey moves to step back but stops when Trudy grabs her arms.

“I just wish I could have done more for you...tried harder. I am so proud of who are right now.”

“You did enough, you did more in those weeks for me than anyone in my life had up to that point and for a long time after. I should have thanked you sooner.” 

They both just kind of stared at each other. Another chain had just been added to their bond and it was nice to just revel in that for a bit. The moment was gone a couple of minutes later when Jay poked his head into the room making sure everything was okay. Both women just smiled and said everything was fine, leaving Jay with a curios look on his face. He could obviously see that both women had been crying, but he chose to trust them that everything was okay.

Jay did ask on the drive home what that was all about and he listened as Hailey explained everything that had happened starting with Clara.

“Wow, that’s pretty incredible. And really sweet of Platt to do that.” He cracks a joke about it being so unlike her, but she knows he doesn’t really mean it. They both have gotten to know a different side of her since Clara brought them all together.

“I just want her to be happy. She deserves happiness, and it kills me to think she might leave us.” She’s looking out the window now, but turns to look at Jay when he reaches for her hand and gives it a little squeeze, smiling at her.

“See, that right there...that’s how I know our future kids will have the best life.”

And just like that, the small bubble of happiness that had surrounded her shattered. The conversation she had been dreading would be happening sooner...


	2. With or without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the awesome reviews! ~Nan

One minute, everything had seemed to be going great. He was happy, he thought she was happy too. Then the day of the missing boy, everything had changed. She had been off the night before, and then again that day and he just attributed it to the fact that she didn’t seem ready to move again. When they had gotten home that night, he asked her if something was bothering her. If maybe he had done something to upset her that he was unaware of. She told him it was nothing and that she was just really tired. That was lie number two of the day. He doesn’t know why she seems to be pushing him away again. It’s like she’s shutting him out all over again and there isn’t anything he can do to stop it. 

When she comes back into the kitchen fresh from the shower, he’s plating up the pasta he made them for dinner. They eat in silence and it’s not the light comfortable kind either...it’s the thick, suffocating kind, that makes you want to scream. It’s not until he gathers their plates and takes them to the sink that he tries to speak to her.

“Just...just say it.” He turns to face her as she pours another glass of the wine they had with dinner. “Whatever it is, just tell me. I can handle it.” He sounds desperate, and he hates it.

Hailey doesn’t answer right away. She takes a long sip of wine and honestly she is just trying to figure out how to tell him what’s going on without crushing him. And she knows it will crush him. She’s not blind. She saw him with that baby today, saw the way his eyes softened. When everyone else had been blinded by baby fever, she had been paralyzed with fear. 

She didn’t want kids. She honestly doesn’t even know if she can have them after the brutal physical abuse she suffered as a child. For a few months in college, her periods had gotten really irregular and after a doctors appointment, she was told there was significant scarring to her fallopian tubes, likely a result from excessive trauma, and that getting pregnant would be extremely difficult if not all together impossible without outside help. They had wanted her to see a specialist, but she had never followed through. Where most women would hear those results and be devastated, Hailey had been utterly relieved. 

She finishes off her wine and then sets the glass down. She would just rip the bandaid off...tell him that she didn’t want kids. She just wished everything wouldn’t change when she did.

“I don’t want kids Jay.” She closes her eyes, unable to watch him absorb the words.

“Okay, I don’t want kids right now either. Is that all? Jesus...I thought it was something really bad with the way you’ve been acting lately.” He takes her empty wine glass and turns back to the sink assuming the conversation is done. That she had just been worried he wanted kids right this second. He does want kids, and every time he imagines what their kids will look like, it’s always a little girl with white blonde hair, and big blue eyes. A mini Hailey...but he wants some time for just the two of them, he isn’t ready just yet, so he’s fine waiting.

“No...Ever Jay. I don’t want kids.” She watches as he stills. As he understands what she’s telling him now. She wonders if he’s mad...if he hates her. “You’ve been looking at these big houses and condos and I know it’s because you want a family.” She stops for a moment, trying to get herself under control. 

“You don’t want kids at all?” He cuts in and looks are her incredulously. “Ever? What about in a couple of years? You don’t want them now and that’s okay, but maybe in time you will.” It’s like he’s trying to talk her into it. 

“I won’t. I’ve known for a long time now that I didn’t want them. I just...”

“How long?” He cuts her off. She likely has known from the get go that she doesn’t want kids. Would she have ever told him if he hadn’t found that baby today? “How long were you going to keep that from me?” He’s not going to lie, he’s angry, not necessarily at her, but at the fact that she felt the need to hide this from him. He turns back to the sink, needing to look at something other than the look on her face. He wants to to tell her that this isn’t a deal breaker...they can work through this. It will just take some time to readjust his life plans. Plans that with or without kids definitely include Hailey. Time...that’s all he needs.

He scrubs roughly at the sauce pot in his hands, trying to calm down enough so that when he tells her its okay, that they will be okay, he isn’t still angry. He’s completely oblivious to Hailey’s changing demeanor. He doesn’t see the way she flinches as he drops the silverware into the drying rack. Doesn’t see the way she is slowly inching herself back towards the wall, afraid he might explode at any moment. He just continues on washing the remaining dishes, taking a little of his anger and frustration out on them, not noticing anything behind him.

Hailey can’t breathe. Every harsh clank of the dishes sounds like a gunshot echoing inside her head. She tries to tell him to stop, to just turn around so she can see his face, but the words won’t come. This is Jay, he wouldn’t hurt her. She knows this, but her mind won’t stay in the present. There’s a darkening blur to the edges of her vision and her eyes can’t seem to focus. She keeps flashing back to when she was a little girl, to when even the way she blinked would set her father off. Her feet aren’t cooperating either, and while she wants to be moving towards him, to get him to help her through what seems to be a mounting panic attack, they only carry her further away from him. Somehow she manages to get his name out.

“Jay” The panic in her voice startles him. He didn’t even know she was still in the kitchen. He thought she had gone into the bedroom, so when her voice breaks through his thoughts it makes him jump. The last of the dishes, her wine glass slipping from his soapy fingers as he turns, and it shatters off the side of the sink and down to the floor before he can catch it.

“Shit! Don’t move, there’s glass everywhere.” He bends to pick up some of the bigger pieces when he sees her from under the table, huddled on the floor. Her knees are pulled into her chest and her hands are pressed tight to her ears. He carefully maneuvers around the glass and over to her. He is completely unprepared for the way she whimpers and curls further into herself, trying to get away from him.

“Hailey?” He somehow manages to keep his voice calm, when on the inside he is full of panic and despair. She’s afraid of him...terrified.

“Please...please don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” She doesn’t know what she is saying. She just forces out words trying to stop the slaps and the kicks she’s sure are coming.

Jay doesn’t know how long he sits next to her, more than two feet between and he swears he has never felt further from her. He doesn’t talk, it only makes it worse. He tucks his phone back into his pocket and watches her. She hasn’t moved or made a single sound for a while now. It’s like she’s catatonic and the blank stare on her face scares him. He needed someone else here, someone to help get through to Hailey, someone who isn’t him. It seems like forever before there’s frantic knocking at the front door, and he quickly makes his way to let Trudy in. She doesn’t yell at him. Doesn’t tell him he’s an awful person for doing this to her. She just gives him a sad smile and then quickly moves past him and into the kitchen.

He hovers in the doorway, afraid to get too close. He watches as Trudy tries to calm Hailey for almost twenty minutes before she is successful. He can barely hear her, but he knows whatever she is saying is somehow helping. He sees Hailey let out a long breath and then she nods at whatever Trudy just said. She shirks away when Trudy tries to touch her arm, but she places it there anyway. Trying to ground Hailey. 

“Another breath Hailey. Nice and slow.” Trudy gently rubs at her arm. “Pick something, anything you see in this room and tell me about it.” She waits for Hailey to pick an object and when she doesn’t say anything, she tells her again. “Come on Hailey, focus.”

“I see the table.” She tries to focus on that instead of the fogginess in her head. “I dropped a knife on it and now there’s a deep cut from where it landed.” The more she talks, the more she returns to herself, to the present. She doesn’t remember how she got on the floor, or when Trudy got here. She just remembers telling Jay she didn’t want kids and she thinks maybe there was a strange buzzing in her ears. Then the glass is breaking and then everything else is blank. She lets Trudy pull her up off the floor and follows as she leads her into her and Jay’s bedroom. 

Jay moves fully into the kitchen now. He makes quick work of the glass on the floor and then he grabs the whiskey from on top of the fridge and pours himself a glass. He carries it to the table and sits. He stares at the glass and his fingers trace the groove left from the dropped knife Hailey had told Trudy about. He thinks back on the entire time he’s known her. Trying to remember if she had ever reacted in a truly frightened way to him before. He knows he’s scared her, like she wasn’t expecting him to be there and she jumped, but he can’t recall if she ever flinched from him. In fact, he remembers early on in their partnership, he had yelled at her, angry with the situation and he had taken it out on her. She had gotten right in his face and gave it right back to him. It doesn’t matter in the end anyway...he will never forgive himself for what happened tonight.

“How you holding up?” Trudy sits opposite him and picks up the whiskey bottle. She waves him off when he offers her a drink. “Jay?” She reaches across the table, touching his arm and he pulls away, his eyes darting to the hall. He thought he saw a flash of movement but the hall is empty.

“Trudy I...it just slipped. I didn’t mean...I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks and the tears come now. He lowers his head to the crook of his arm, trying to shield himself from his superior, even though she’s his friend too. He doesn’t want her to see him cry. To see him weak and broken. 

“Would you have hurt her? Laid a hand on her in anger?” She asks it so frankly that his head snaps up and he looks at her like he can’t believe she would ask him that.

“NO! No, I love her. I love her.” He goes into his version of events, leaving nothing out, and he hopes she believes him. That she knows he would cut off his arm before he would ever hurt her like that. “I was mad, but not really at her. It was more that she kept something from me and I just...god”. His hands rake down his face, scrubbing at the last of the tear tracks. “Is she okay? Does she want to leave? Does she want me to leave?” He doesn’t know what to do and he thinks out loud about staying with Adam for a bit until everything calms down.

“I want you to stay.” He hears her, and his eyes flicker over her as she stands in the archway briefly before looking away again. He doesn’t want to see the fear in her eyes, or for her to see the devastation in his.

“I need you to stay.” She says it with more conviction this time and a small part of him believes her, but he sits still. Too afraid to move. He doesn’t respond when she says his name. It’s not until she is standing right beside him that he looks up.

“Thank you for coming over Trudy. I think we’ve got it from here though.” She tries for a smile but it comes out pinched and when Trudy tells them both goodnight, she calls after her to lock the door on the way out. She needs to remember to get that woman a gift...a really expensive one. 

She turns back to Jay when the door clicks shut and she wants to cry. She is so humiliated and completely embarrassed at what happened tonight. It’s been well before she joined the Intelligence Unit since her last panic attack. She knows the self added stress definitely triggered it. She knows just by looking at him that he is blaming himself. That he truly believes what happened is his doing. She wants to reassure him that that she knows him. Knows that he wouldn’t ever hurt her like that, but she’s hurting too, so she does the only thing she can think of that will give them both some comfort. 

Jay tries to not show how shocked he is that she is suddenly forcing her way onto his lap. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. She is practically burrowing into him, and all he can hear is her begging him to stop, her small voice pleading for him not to hurt her.

She doesn’t give him a choice in the end. Once she is situated on his lap, she pulls his arms around her. She lets out a small huff of alarm when he doesn’t hold her on his own. The insecurities creep in now. She had been concerned about her panic attack and his reaction to it, but maybe his actions now are because of the baby bombshell she dropped on him before her little episode.

“Do you hate me? Because I don’t want kids? Is that our breaking point? I’ve thrown a lot at you since I met you, but this was too much wasn’t it? I broke us...”. The entire time she is saying these things to him, she moves herself off him and stands on the other side of the table. He won’t look at her and it feels like she already lost him. 

“This isn’t about you not wanting kids...or a part of it is obviously, but I can get over that Hailey. Honestly, I can. I can get past the fact that you and I will never have kids because I love you. We could have a hundred kids or zero kids and it wouldn’t mean a single thing to me if you weren’t there beside me.” He finally takes a sip of the whiskey now, enjoying the burn as it slides down his throat. “What I can’t get over, can’t get out of my head...you were afraid of me tonight.”

“Jay no.” She doesn’t let him finish, because he’s wrong. “I’m not afraid of you.” She wants to grab his face and force him to understand. She needs him to know that this is her issue, and that while he had inadvertently been the catalyst, it wasn’t his fault. She may have been physically in the kitchen with him, but her mind was over twenty years away from this place.

“ ‘Please...please don’t, I’m sorry.’ That’s what you said to me. Pressed into a ball over there, full blown panic attack, you begged me not to hurt you. Don’t stand there and tell me you weren’t afraid...I was right there Hailey. I know what I saw.”

“Well first of all, I wasn’t just having a panic attack. When you dropped the glass I wasn’t even in this room anymore. The walls weren’t cream Jay, there was no massive wooden table. It was my old house. My old kitchen, and I wasn’t scared of you. I was scared of my dad...the second the glass shattered you were gone and my dad was at the sink and I swear, I wasn’t seeing you.” She manages to get it all out with only a slight hitch in her voice. “I know you love me Jay. I know without a single ounce of doubt that you would never and will never hurt me like my father did.” She reaches out and grips his hand tight, afraid he might pull away. “I trust you Jay, remember? Please believe me when I say I could never be afraid of you. Ever. Okay?” 

He studies her, trying to gauge the sincerity in her words. 

“Yeah...Okay.” He gently tugs her hand towards him and then they are both standing and moving into the other. He doesn’t hesitate this time and he practically crushes her against him. He’s apologizing even though she said he isn’t responsible. They stay there for a long while. Just holding each other tightly. When the silence is finally broken, it’s Hailey who speaks.

“Jay? Did you mean it? About being okay with me not wanting to have kids?” She pulls back slightly so she can see his face. She can’t help the way her body tenses slightly when he lets out a deep sigh.

“I honestly always thought kids would be in my future. And if I’m being truthful, maybe a small part of me is disappointed you don’t want that with me, but I meant what I said earlier. I need you Hailey. Nothing else matters to me if you aren’t with me.” His hands grip her a little tighter, like the words aren’t enough for her to understand how much he needs her. He tugs her to him again and presses his lips to the top of her head.

“Let’s go to bed Jay.” Hailey takes his hand and he follows her to the bedroom. They get ready for bed without a word, and when they slide into bed, she moves close to him, pressing her face to his neck. Her arms slide around his back and up, under his shirt and she traces the ridges of his back. 

“Hailey...I can’t. Not tonight.” He can feel her sharp inhale and he feels bad, but he can’t give her that tonight. Everything still seems so fragile right now and with the image of her on the floor still burning in his mind, he’s not even sure he could actually perform tonight.

“I just need you to hold me. Is that okay?” She’s unsure of what exactly he’s turning down...sex or just being in bed with her all together. He doesn’t give her a verbal response, just rolls to his back, dragging her with him. Her head moves to his chest and his arms wrap tightly around her. Her right hand, which is still under his shirt, is pressed over his heart. The fingers absently tapping out his heartbeat. She’s done this before. Let the steady beat of his heart lull her to sleep. Only, tonight his heart isn’t slowing. She can tell he isn’t sleeping. Even after laying still for nearly an hour together, they are both still awake.

“I don’t want you to resent me.” She whispers it into the dark. “It’s okay if you change your mind Jay. I may never get over you, but I’ll survive you. If you’d rather end things now, I can handle it.” She stays perfectly still, a much larger part than she cares to admit thinking he will do what she suggests. That he will decide she isn’t worth more than his want for kids.

“I just want you. We fought to get here Hailey, and I’m not gonna run at our first real rough patch. There’s a give and take to all relationships, and I’m willing to compromise here if you are.”

She says the word over in her head, not listening to the rest of what he is saying. Compromise...what does he mean? There’s not really anything she can offer him that would be a compromise for not giving him kids.

“Marry me.” 

He says it with so much force that it sounds more like a command and she’s pulling up and away before she can stop herself. She reaches for the light and just stares at him.

“That didn’t come out right...or well, yeah it’s...I want to marry you Hailey. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He sits up and leans back against the head board. He hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that. He probably should have gone with a little more finesse, but something in the way she casually suggested they end things had terrified him, and the words came out like vomit.

“Are you guilting me into marriage?” Somehow there’s a smile playing at her mouth and her head tilts to the side a little.

“That wasn’t what I was going for...but I guess...is it working?” She scoffs at his sheepish grin. How he does this, takes something so serious and heavy and life changing, and makes it lighter somehow, she will never know? She scoots up and sits next to him. Their sides pressed into each other. She lays her head against his shoulder and thinks about a lifetime with Jay. She wants that. Sometimes it seems like it’s all she ever wanted.

“It’s not much of a compromise on my end. And you’re gonna have to do a much better job asking if you expect me to say yes.”

“But you’ll say yes right? When I ask for real, you’ll say yes?” His questioning gaze burns into her, and while she could respond with a joke or a sarcastic non-answer, the insecure way he asks has her answering him truthfully.

“Yeah Jay. I’ll say yes.” She lets him slide them down the bed and curls against him again. Her hand resuming its place on his heart. Her fingers tap lightly to the slowing beat of his heart and when he pulls her tighter against him, she lets him. He’s holding her a little too tight, but she doesn’t say anything. She knows it has everything to do with what happened tonight. When she finally falls asleep, she does so knowing he loves her, praying her love will be enough too.


	3. Can you make this last?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the comments and kudos on this story. I’m glad you are all still enjoying it!~Nan

The walk to Jay and Hailey’s front door had never seemed so long. Each step her feet felt heavier and heavier. Since her outburst at the station two weeks ago, Clara had been conveniently too busy with school work to hang out with Jay and Hailey. Her summer classes at the community college she was attending to help her catch up to her peers were actually time consuming, but Clara was never behind and she loved learning. 

It wasn’t just Hailey and Jay that she was avoiding though, she had even canceled her breakfast with Trudy, claiming she had to be at school early for a project. She’s sure they think she is acting like a spoiled teen who hasn’t gotten her way, but she thought keeping her distance would make her departure easier. Imagine her surprise when she finally stopped dodging Trudy’s calls and listened to what she wanted to say.

“Listen Red, I have been trying to get in touch with you all week. What’s going on?” Trudy was frank and straight to the point. She had cashed in more favors than she would care to admit, but she managed to to get Randy approved to foster. The difficult part was trying to shove the mandatory 27 hours of training into that last 7 days. Randy had grumbled more than once, but knew that what he was doing was important to his wife, so he did it. 

“Nothing is wrong...I’m just busy. I don’t have a lot of time right now.” She tried to quickly end the call but Trudy was having none of it.

“I get it, school is tough kid, but you got to make time for other things too. I’m bringing dinner to Hailey and Jay tonight and I already spoke to Jessa and Brian. They said you wouldn’t be busy with school tonight because you’re in between sessions. I’ll pick you up at 6:00pm.” Trudy didn’t give her the opportunity to decline, just told her to be ready and she would se her later.

So now, here she was, following Trudy and her husband up the sidewalk to their front door. She would literally rather be anywhere other than here. The more time they spend together the harder her goodbye two weeks from now will be. She really doesn’t want to leave. She keeps her head down when the door opens and greetings are exchanged. She shuffles in behind Randy and moves to take her shoes off.

“Hey Clara.” Jay greets her with his hands in his pockets, a smile on his face. It’s become their routine, he never initiates contact with her, always letting her offer hugs if she wants to. He says nothing when she ducks her head and hurries past him and then Hailey without so much as a quiet hello.

Dinner is nice. Even if Clara only says about seven words total. She wouldn’t even look at Hailey when she asked about her upcoming classes. Everyone let out a relieved breath when Clara excused herself to use the restroom.

“Has she said anything to you? A reason for her current moodiness?” Jay says is quietly, as soon as he hears the door click shut down the hall.

“My guess would be puberty.” Trudy says it with a straight face, and her signature bluntness has Jay choking on his beer while Hailey bursts out laughing.

“Warn a guy next time!” Jay’s cheeks are bright red and Hailey can’t stop laughing. While conversation had flowed between the adults, it had been a tense affair when Clara was involved. They are all glad for the lightness and laughter.

“I’m serious. If that little brat hadn’t of wormed her way into my heart...” Trudy lets the words die as they all hear the door to the bathroom open. 

Clara doesn’t sit back down, choosing to stand in the archway instead. “I don’t feel well. Can you please take me home?” She glances quickly at Trudy and Randy. She knows immediately that Trudy doesn’t believe her.

“Sit down, Red. There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Trudy waits for Clara to take her seat again, and takes a deep steadying breath. She tightly links her fingers with Randy’s when he offers her his hand. Suddenly her voice is nowhere to be found. She works to swallow and wipes her sweaty palm on her thigh.

“I know things are not going the way you thought they would right now. With Brian and Jessa having to move and the uncertainty of your next placement...I uh...”

“Just spit it out Trudy. You’re scaring the girl.” Randy cuts in and moves to grab the gift bag Hailey had discreetly placed earlier at dinner. He gets up and sets the bag in front of Clara telling her to open it up.

Trudy feels like she might vomit. She is second guessing everything right now. Maybe Clara won’t want to come live with them. They all hold their breath as Clara lifts a folder out of the simple gift bag. 

Clara’s fingers wont stop shaking. Her eyes are blurry with tears as the words on the paper swim in front of her. Her mind is racing to catch up with what she is seeing and then the tears she had been trying to hold back are falling. There’s so much she wants to say and ask but all she manages to get out sounds silly even to her.

“Is this for real?” She glances at Trudy and Randy. Hope is a heavy weight on her chest. 

“Do you know what that is?” Randy smiles kindly as he asks her.

“You want me?” It’s unreal even as she says it.

“Of course we want you! You’re out of your mind if you thought we would let you go without a fight, Red.” Trudy’s voice is thick with emotion and she ignores the tears that fall. “We want you to stay with us if you want that. It’s completely up to you, and don’t feel like you need to decide right now...or if you want to say no...” Having found her voice, she couldn’t seem to make the words stop. It wasn’t until Clara broke in that Trudy stopped.

“I want this. I want this more than anything.” Clara is standing and moving towards Trudy. She nearly knocks her back down when she hugs her, sobbing and thanking them all over and over again. If this is a dream she never wants to wake up.

“How did that make you feel? Seeing a family form right in front of you?” Dr. Lucy Walker asked Hailey. 

Hailey shakes herself out of the memory of that night. It’s been a little over two months since the night of her panic attack, and her third meeting with Dr. Walker. She had spoken to Jay the day after her panic attack and asked him if he would think less of her if she started to see a therapist again. When he only smiled and asked if she wanted to him to go too, she pressed her lips to his. There is never a day that goes by where this man doesn’t show her how much he loves her.

“Hailey?” Dr. Walker looks at her and asks her again how she felt.

“I don’t know.” She answers truthfully. When she watched Clara and Trudy hug she had obviously been happy, but there was another feeling that she couldn’t quite place. “I don’t know if I was just relieved, or maybe...it’s stupid.” Hailey lets out a frustrated sigh. Her hands automatically moving to shove her hair back and into a pony tail, as if that alone will help clear her head.

“Stupid to be relieved?” The doctor gently probes, trying to let Hailey work out on her own what she needs to say.

“How can you miss something...long for it, when you don’t even want it?” She’s referring to kids and she knows Dr. Walker understands that. 

“Have you ever let yourself truly think about wanting kids? Let yourself imagine a life that has kids in it?” 

“Why would I? I don’t want them.” It comes out harsh and she’s a little embarrassed by the outburst. “My father...the evil and anger that was inside of him...that’s inside me too. I will never pass that on to someone else. Never.” She stands to pace, her frustration growing by the second.

“Do you see yourself as evil?”

Hailey turns back to the doctor and she closes her eyes. Out of the three sessions she’s had so far, this one is by far the most taxing. They had dove right into her past the first meeting, and then spent the rest of the first and second talking about the panic attacks. This is the first time she brought up not wanting kids to her therapist and she almost wishes she hadn’t.

“I killed my father...in what world wouldn’t that be considered evil?” She lets out a humorless laugh, dropping back onto the couch. 

“I asked if YOU thought you were evil, not how you think you’re perceived.” When Hailey doesn’t answer, just tilts her head back on the couch and blinks rapidly to stop the moisture building in her eyes, the doctor continues. “We are not our parents Hailey. Their blood runs through us, but it doesn’t define or limit who we can become. Sometimes it’s easier to just say no to wanting than it is to have that hope.” She says nothing more as she watches Hailey grasp what she says, and silently passes her a tissue. 

“This is all going to be for nothing anyway. I found out in college that I most likely wouldn’t be able to have kids. I’ve accepted that.” She swallows and looks at the doctor. “I just...I wish I could give this to him. To jay.”

“You mentioned earlier that Jay was okay with your decision. Has he done anything to say otherwise?”

“No, but that’s the thing. He is the kind of guy that sacrifices his own happiness for yours. I just don’t want him to resent me.” She’s not crying, but her voice is definitely thick with emotion and she wishes Jay were here. “He’s given so much and I feel like all I do is take from him sometimes. I think...is it crazy for me to look into it? To see a specialist and find out for certain?” 

Dr. Walker sets her notes down and leans forward in her seat. “I think you already know the answer to that Hailey, and speaking not as your therapist right now...I think you’re afraid for a lot of valid reasons, but if fear is what holds you back, are you going to end up resenting yourself?”

The words strike home and Hailey lets out a long breath. She is afraid. Of not being enough. Of not being able to give Jay what he deserves. Of getting everything she never thought she would get only for something like this to ruin it all. 

“Make the appointment Hailey. Get the answers you need to move forward one way or another. Jay loves you, and you need to believe that.” She stands and sets her things on her desk. “We will end here for today. I think you have a lot to think about and do before our next session.”

Hailey leaves feeling both lighter and heavier at the same time. She makes the drive back home and makes herself an early dinner knowing Jay is going straight to Molly’s after work. If he notices the way she seems to glue herself to his side that night, he doesn’t acknowledge it. Two drinks in she moves to stand in front of him, pulling one of his arms across her waist. While everyone knows about their relationship now, it’s rare for either of them to even kiss in front of the team, so her actions tonight are not entirely unnoticed by the rest of the team. 

Jay tugs her ponytail gently, turning her head to look at him and his gaze is soft and a little concerned. “Everything okay? Did something happen?” He knows her session with Dr. Walker was today. She’s always a little quiet and withdrawn after her meetings, but this behavior, the clinginess that she is showing, has him worried a bit. 

“I’m okay. I just want to be close to you tonight.” She smiles and it’s genuine. While her feelings are still very much confused, she thinks she is happy with the steps she is taking.

“Want to get out of here? You can be much, much closer to me at home.” He gives her a boyish grin, and he can’t stop his lips from brushing hers. It’s a quick kiss, but full of promise. Promises he keeps when they finally make it home later that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost done here. I think 2 more chapters...


	4. You are the reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the continued interest in this story, and all the amazing reviews! ~Nan

Hailey stares down at her red socks. They’re her favorite pair. The ones she wears with her black boots in the weeks just before fall turns to winter. Jay always laughs when he sees them because she has seven pairs in the same color and he always asks how she knows which ones specifically are her favorite. Socks are a good thing to focus on...anything to take her mind off the real reason she is here. 

If you had asked her last Halloween if she thought she would be sitting in an OB/GYN exam room, she would have laughed in your face. Her and babies were like oil and water. She had thought that for a very long time. It wasn’t until she knew she wanted to spend her life with Jay that things started to get more confusing. Her therapist had helped her work through her feelings and over the last two months, she had made the necessary steps and appointments to find out what she needed and more importantly, wanted to do. 

This is the fourth appointment she has been to. She hadn’t told Jay right away what was going on. She couldn’t handle getting his hopes up only to let him him down, so she waited until after the second doctors appointment to talk to him. Her mind wanders to that day and she can’t help the way her heart seems to skip a beat or the smile that takes over her face.

It had been a long night. Hailey had spent over six hours with Vanessa in a car on a stakeout. She normally wouldn’t mind being stuck in a car with her, but you can’t really lose your focus so talking and laughing were not happening tonight. Most of the night had been spent in silence, and when they finally managed to capture what they were looking for on camera, both women were relieved. When they pulled into the district parking lot, Hailey was surprised but grateful to see Jay leaning against the side of his truck. She wouldn’t have to drive herself home.

“Hey.” He presses his lips to hers in a quick greeting and then lets out a chuckle when Hailey dramatically sags against him.

“I’m so tired.” She turns to say bye to Vanessa and then climbs into Jay’s truck. She leans her head back on the head rest and shuts her eyes, smiling when Jay reaches across the center and grips her thigh in his hand. It’s how he always drives when they ride together outside of work. It’s comforting, and she likes that while they don’t touch overtly in public, in private, Jay can’t seem to keep his hands off of her. It’s not always sexual, more like he just needs to feel her there.

“Come on, we’re here.” He taps her thigh and she grumbles but follows him up to the front door.

“You want to eat or just go to sleep?” He turns to look at her but all he sees is her ponytail as she continues down the hall to their room. He chuckles again and follows after her, a tired Hailey makes for a cranky Hailey, and now she will be hungry when she wakes up so it will be an interesting afternoon for sure.

She’s pulling off her jeans when he walks in and he moves automatically to toss her one of his shirts to sleep in. He climbs into bed with her and pulls her toward him. He’s not really tired, having gotten a a couple hours of sleep, but he’s happy to hold her for a bit and maybe take a little nap. He grabs his phone and quickly sets an alarm for 1:30pm so they don’t sleep the entire day and mess up sleep for the night.

He wakes up two hours later and gently moves out from her tangled limbs. He’s up before the alarm with enough time to run out and grab a late lunch for both of them so Hailey can eat right when she gets up.

He’s just finishing up plating the food he got when he hears the alarm and then the soft sounds of her moving about. 

“You’re a saint, you know that?” She’s shoves a forkful of spicy noodles into her mouth and lets out a happy moan. They eat in comfortable silence and when she finishes her plate she leans back in her chair and looks at Jay.

“If you could have one thing in the world, anything you want to wish for right now, what would it be?” 

Jay sets his fork down and looks at her. The easy answer, the answer that would make most sense rolls off his tongue without thinking.

“I would wish for a million more moments like this with you, why?” He loves that he is the only one who gets to see this side of her. Messy and free. Work Hailey is always in line, buttoned up tight, but this Hailey, with her hair wild around her shoulders, this is his favorite version of her.

“Mmm Jay Halstead...ever the romantic. Seriously though, you could wish for anything in the world, and you want lunch time with me...looking like this?” 

“Is there a particular answer you’re looking for here?” He’s not sure what she wants him to say right now. He watches as Hailey lets out a frustrated breath and when she sets her gaze back to him her eyes are serious. All traces of joking gone. Did he miss something?

“I’m gonna tell you something, but I don’t want you to think I was keeping things from you. Can you please just...not be mad?” At his confused nod she continues. “I had a doctors appointment yesterday. It’s where I went during my lunch hour.” When she sees his face blanch slightly she knows he’s probably thinking she is sick or something just as bad, so she hurries to continue.

“I’m not sick, I’m...I’m fine Jay. I went to see a reproduction specialist.”

“Okay. Umm...” He’s trying to understand but he fails. Why would she do that?

“It was my second appointment actually. I’ve been thinking and talking with my therapist and I realized something.” She wants to go to him. To wrap her arms around him and tell him she loves him, but she stays put. Gauging his reactions.

“What’s going on Hailey?” He says it, and he’s trying not to be to be hopeful, but why else would she be going to see a reproductive specialist? Unless it was something to do with a more permanent option of preventing pregnancy.

“I had some issues when I was in college and I found out that I had a lot of scarring in my fallopian tubes. They said I most likely wouldn’t be able to have kids, and at the time...I don’t know...I guess I let myself believe I was relieved, maybe a part of me was. But I realized...I realized my relief was based off fear. Fear that if I had kids I would somehow turn into my father or that I would pass on his worst traits and so yeah...I was relieved to hear that I couldn’t have kids. When they suggested I see a specialist back then I didn’t want to. It wasn’t until I met you that things changed.” She pauses to take a drink, to give herself something else to do and she takes a second to close her eyes. He looks sad and still more than a little confused, and she’s trying to get it all out because she wants him to know everything. To understand her thought process.

“I spent a lot of time too afraid to even think about having kids because of my father so when Dr. Walker asked me if I ever truly thought about having kids I was confused and definitely scared all over again. I let the fear of my childhood take over and I was afraid it was too late when I finally decided that maybe I wanted kids after all.”

“Hailey...I don’t know what to say. What exactly are you trying to tell me? Because it sounds like you decided you do want kids and I’m...worried I guess.” He says it sadly and presses his palms flat against the table, trying to stem the shaking.

“Why are you worried Jay? I thought you would be happy. This is what you wanted right?” It’s her turn to be worried now, this is not how she saw this going at all.

“I told you I was okay with you not wanting to have kids. I don’t want you to do this out of some sense of obligation or...”

“I was wrong Jay.” She hurries to interject. “And I know you said you were fine with it, but I’m not fine with it. I thought about it Jay. Really thought about it, and I spent a lot of time talking about it with Dr. Walker. I want this Jay. I want to give you everything you’ve given me and more.” She does move to him now, maneuvering herself onto his lap. “Say something Jay.”

“I don’t know what to say.” And he doesn’t. He had meant every word he said to her that night about not needing kids. That they would be enough. He was prepared to live a life with just Hailey. He was fine with that. Now she’s telling him she wants to have kids and maybe he’s just waiting for his head to catch up to his heart, but is all seems too surreal. Like maybe this is just a cruel dream. He’s afraid to hope. 

“I’m sorry Jay.” She doesn’t know what else to say, she has messed this up. She lays her head on his shoulder and lets out a relieved sigh when his hands move to hold her. 

“I’m not mad. Maybe a little in shock, but you have nothing to be sorry about.” He tucks her head into his neck and rests his chin on top of it. “I wish you would have talked to me. I could have been there for you, but you’re telling me now. I’m just glad you told me at all I guess.”

“I was always going to tell you Jay. Even if it came back that I couldn’t have kids. I just wanted to be sure I had all the information first. I didn’t want to see you disappointed.”

“I wouldn’t be disappointed in you for something you physically can’t control.” He tilts her head back and looks at her like she should know better. “Are you gonna tell me what you found out? Or am I going to have to wait another two appointments?” It’s humorless and a bit of a low blow, but he just wants answers.

“It’s not great news, but it’s not terrible either. The first doctors appointment was just a checkup more or less, a more thorough gynecologist appointment. This last appointment was like a diagnostic checkup. They did an X-ray test and an ultrasound to determine the level of scarring.” She shivers slightly remembering the needle they had used to inject the dye for the X-ray. There wasn’t a lot of pain, just an intense pressure taking over her pelvis. She’d had to close her eyes when they lifted the filled needle.

“I need to have surgery to clear the blockage.” She feels him tense slightly beneath her. “It’s minor surgery. Laparoscopic Keyhole is what they said. I’ll have four 1/2 inch incisions.”

“When is this happening?” He wants to make sure he can be there for her.

“There was an opening two weeks from now. So December 14th. The next available appointment wasn’t until February.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to Voight. Make sure I get the day off.” He gently moves her off his lap and starts to clear the table.

Hailey feels like she let him down...again. She had thought telling him would be a good thing but his reaction is so far from what she thought it would be.

“Are we okay?” It’s another one of their things. How they check in with each other, and she needs to hear him say they are good.

Jay turns and he can see how unsure she is. He feels the same if he’s being honest. Part of him feels like if he allows himself to be happy he will be a hypocrite. He told her he just needed her, and now there’s a chance he could get more.

He reaches out and takes her hand. “I love you. We are fine, and we are gonna be fine as long as you keep trying to let me in. And, I’m happy Hailey. I’m happy knowing you’re happy.” 

The breath she had been holding in is released and she swears she can feel their connection, their bond, strengthen once again. She tilts her head when a devilish grin spreads on his face, and she says his name with a hint of confusion.

“Laparoscopic surgery...what’s the recovery time for that?”

She’s not sure what he’s getting at, but tells him it’s about 2-4 weeks barring any complications. She barely finishes telling him when he grabs her and tosses her over his shoulder, quickly making his way towards the bedroom.

She pushes up on his back so her head isn’t bouncing off his butt and asks him what in the hell he’s doing. He tosses her down onto the bed before crawling up her body and pinning her to the mattress beneath him.

“You’ll be out of commission for a month less than two weeks from now! I’ve got to make up for it starting right this second.” His heart squeezes as he looks her. Cheeks flushed with laughter and eyes bright with it. God, he loves her. And he plans to show her just how much over the next two weeks.

And he had kept his word. Even now, if she concentrates hard enough, she can feel his hands ghosting over. She pushes the thoughts away when the doctor knocks and enters the room.

“How are we today Hailey?” He gives her a pleasant smile and sits down by the computer in the room. He listens to her response as he pulls up her chart and then turns the computer so Hailey can see it as well. It’s the follow up X-ray and the original X-ray side by side.

“Is it bad? You don’t seem like you’re about to deliver good news.” Her hands are pulling at a loose string on her gown and she wishes Jay were here. Voight had sent Jay and Kevin to New York to retrieve a witness. They were assisting with a high profile case and the Commissioner had made it clear to Voight that if anything happened to this witness, the unit would be disbanded. They are supposed to be getting back tomorrow afternoon.

“The surgery last month was helpful, but the scarring to the left fallopian tube was quite extensive. Today we are going to be looking to see if there is any new scarring. We will start with the ultrasound first and see if we can get a clear enough view. If its inconclusive, we will move forward with the X-ray, okay?” He instructs her to lay back on the exam table and opens the front of her gown to reveal her lower abdomen. He says something about the way the incisions are healing, and then applies the gel to her lower stomach.

“Let’s see here.” He moves the wand around until her gets the image he is looking for. “So this is telling me the same thing the images from after surgery showed, but that’s nothing to be discouraged about. It’s completely possible for women to conceive with only one working fallopian tube. Some women have no trouble conceiving, and others will need outside intervention such as hormone therapy and in extreme cases, IVF.” He watches as her mouth presses into a thin line and her eyes shut. She’s clearly only hearing the worst.

“Hailey.” He hands her a towel to wipe herself off and then motions for her to sit up. “This is good news Hailey. With the extent of the scarring you presented with, and the fact that it was years before you sought help...I’m very pleased with the results. Your ovaries are functioning fine, and I see no reason you shouldn’t be able to have a child.” He stands and pulls a couple pamphlets off the wall about conceiving and then one about hormone therapy. “When you’re ready to start trying you’ll have all the information you need okay?” 

Hailey feels a little lighter leaving the appointment. She’s just relieved that she will be able to have kids. They could always go the adoption route or try surrogacy, but she would have always felt a little defective. It’s one less thing her father can take from her. She still isn’t ready right this second, but at least now she knows for sure. 

She texts Jay when she gets in the car and tells him the follow up went pretty good. Barely a minute passes before Jay is calling her.

“Pretty good? What’s that mean? I know you were worried going into this.” He feels like an ass for not being there and he just wants to know everything is okay.

“Yeah, the doctor said he was pleased with the outcome of the surgery. He said that if when we are ready to start trying, if we go a year with no success, we should make an appointment. But we’ve got time before then.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m good Jay. I’m really good.” She smiles and for the first time in a long time, she feels whole.


	5. It’s always darkest before the dawn

Finding the perfect opportunity to propose was proving extremely difficult for Jay. He had planned on asking her right around the time she told him about the doctors appointments, but then he decided to hold off for a bit. He felt like by proposing right after she told him she did want kids, that it would look like he was only marrying her because of that. So he waited.

They’ve been seeing each other for a little over a year and a half and while he’s completely happy and content with what they have, he wants to be able to call her ‘wife.’ He wants that security and he just needs to find the moment to make it happen. 

It didn’t help that work had been insane the past couple of months. The cases they were getting were both difficult and emotionally taxing, and they were getting no breaks between them. It was one horrible thing after another and Jay and Hailey often found themselves either huddled on the couch together trying to forget what they’ve seen, or they would pass out almost as soon as they got home. 

The case they were working right now was one of the worst Hailey had seen. An up and coming gang was recruiting young kids to carry their drugs around the city. The kids were between 8-12 years old and carried backpacks full of their product. Nobody thought twice about little kids with a backpack. It wasn’t until a rival gang found out was happening and begin taking the backpacks from the kids, that the Chicago PD even realized what was going on. The bodies of children were turning up left and right all over the city. If the kids lost the drugs, they were punished or killed depending on how much product they lost. 

Hailey stood in front of the board rubbing at her temples. She can’t even remember how long she’s had this headache, but it feels like years at this point. They had been called to a scene early this morning and found a sixth body. A girl, 9 years old, dead from blunt force trauma to the skull. Her mother had reported her missing yesterday afternoon when she never made it home from school. Jay and Kim were delivering the news to the mom right now. 

“It’s like trying to catch a ghost.” She says it with anger and mostly to herself, but Voight happens to be passing by and hears. She only shakes her head when he asks how she’s holding up.

“We can’t catch a break and these kids...I can’t stop seeing them. Every body we find is like another failure on our part.” She reaches out and touches the picture of the latest victim. It’s her third grade school picture and her smile is so big and bright it makes Hailey’s heart hurt. Another mother will have to bury her child and Hailey honestly doesn’t know how much more she can take.

Voight seems to sense her struggles and tells her to go home for the rest of the day. “Come back tomorrow with your head on straight. Got it?” He knows this case is taking its toll on everyone, and he understands, but if his team is here, they need to be HERE. He’s happy when she stops herself from arguing and cleans up her desk before walking out.

She’s not exactly mad that Voight sent her home, but she is definitely frustrated. They just need to catch a break, and these people just keep slipping through the cracks. She wants to stop them before another body turns up. 

She stops at a drug store to grab some more Tylenol for her headache, and she fumbles for her keys on the way out. She’s trying to do too many things at once. Open the pills and the water while trying to unlock the car...naturally she drops the keys. As she stands back up she sees it happen. There on the corner is a man in his early 30’s shoving a backpack to a small child. She can’t hear what he is telling the boy, but he seems angry and definitely agitated. She can’t believe her luck. They’ve been digging and digging for nearly a month and they haven’t found a thing. Now she literally fumbles upon the break they were hoping for. 

She quickly pulls her phone out and tosses the bottle of pills and water into the passenger seat while she waits for Voight to pick up.

“You better be calling to tell me you made it home Upton.” Voight’s stern voice cuts through the line.

“Sarge, I got something. I know, I know...you sent me home and I was going I promise.” Hailey finds herself tailing the guy almost unconsciously. “I got a guy who just shoved a backpack at a kid and pushed him onto a bus. I lost the kid, but I am following the guy.” She quickly rattles off her location and the number of the bus the kid got on. She hopes patrol gets to the bus quickly and manages to get the kid before he disappears.

“I want you to stand down Hailey. I can’t get backup to you. It’s too dangerous for you by yourself.” Voight is already telling the team about Hailey’s discovery as she’s telling him, and Vanessa is pulling traffic cams as he speaks.

“Sarge I can do this. I won’t do anything but follow. We need this. Those kids...”

“Upton, I said no. Get back in your car and get your ass back here now!” 

Hailey can practically see Voight’s face turn red and his veins bulging in anger. She is so close. She finally has a guy in her sights who can lead her back to something useful in this case. She can’t just let him get away. 

Voight is shouting through the phone now from inside his office. He knows she wants to close this case, but he gave her an order and she isn’t following. Any number of things could go wrong and he will not lose a member of this team.

Jay and Kim walk into chaos when they return. Kevin and Vanessa are fluttering around nervously looking at Voight’s office, and Adam and Hailey are nowhere to be found. An uneasy feeling settles in Jays stomach. The feeling intensifies as Vanessa fills Jay in on what’s going on. He doesn’t even hesitate, he just bursts into Voight’s office.

“Is that Hailey? Let me talk to her.” He moves to grab the phone out of Voight’s hand and where normally the look Voight sent him would have him fearing his job, he doesn’t care right now. Hailey is putting herself in danger.

“What the hell are you doing Hailey?” Jay’s voice is panic and raw anger. He can’t believe she would follow this guy...she knows what they are capable of. They kill kids...they won’t even blink an eye at a grown woman.

Hailey’s breath stutters in her chest at Jay’s voice. “I’m fine Jay. He’s only walking right now. I can handle it.” She keeps her voice calm. She can hear the worry in their voices and the calmer she is, the better. 

“Hailey please...”. She stops him. She hates when he uses their relationship against her at work. It’s not fair and he knows it. She is about to remind him of this when a noise behind her stops her cold. The sound of a gun being cocked hits her ears a second before the barrel is pressed harshly against the back of her head.

“Hand me the phone.” The man behind her roughly grabs her phone and then lifts it to his face. “Say goodbye.” He fires his gun and then smashes the phone to the ground.

Jay listened as the voice came through and then hears the shot ring out and he can’t stop his legs from collapsing beneath him. He’s clutching his phone and begging her to respond long after the dial tone reaches his ears. This can’t be happening. This is some sick nightmare and he’s gonna wake up. He has to wake up. 

Voight somehow manages to keep it together enough to tell the rest of the team to find Hailey’s last known location and start pulling any footage they can find. He knows they heard what happened. When Jay had barged into his office the door remained open, and he insisted on putting the phone on speaker when Jay took it. The gun being fired sounded like an explosion even to his ears. He tells his worried team to focus on one thing at a time, and then turns to head back to Jay.

He finds him propped against the wall. Legs splayed out in front of him with a distant blank look on his face. He’s clutching his right fist tightly together like he’s holding onto to something. As if his very life depends on what it inside of that hand. He cautiously approaches Jay, like he’s a wild animal or something.

“Jay.” Voight knows he isn’t going to get a response so he continues. “We don’t know what we are dealing with. We can’t assume the worst here. It won’t help us.” He doesn’t know who he is trying to convince here...Him or Jay. He saw the bodies, he knows what this gang is capable of. It’s no stretch of the imagination to think they killed her.

Voight’s voice sounds like its coming through a tunnel. He can’t seem to understand the words coming from his boss and he can’t really be bothered to care right now. This morning he was setting up the proposal of a lifetime for Hailey. The small diamond of the ring in his had digs into his palm. This isn’t supposed to happen...not to them. They’ve already overcome so much and for them to end like this is so unfair.

He’s suddenly pushing himself up off the floor with no destination in mind. He only knows he can’t stay here.


	6. Your love is my turning page

Voight had sent Adam out as soon as Hailey’s call came in trying to get someone at least close to her. He was just pulling up to her car in front of the drug store when Kim called him and told him what they heard. He can’t believe it. He keeps his phone in his hand as he follows the locations he’s been given. He stops about four blocks from the drug store and is left standing there looking for any clues as to which which way she may have gone. There are any number of ways they could have gone. Each street has multiple alleys and building they could’ve gone into. It’s like looking for a needle in haystack...but he has to try.

Back at the station Vanessa was still pulling traffic cams. She’s trying to keep a positive outlook, but they’re grasping at straws here. The chances of them finding anything from the cams are slim, and even if they did, it will most likely take hours of sorting. It’s already been an hour with no luck. She rubs at her eyes trying to refocus just as Voight comes up the steps.

“Little Bigs on East 16th street called in a gun shot. It came in a little over an hour ago. Get me the traffic cams now.” He doesn’t have any patience at this point. He’s already updated Adam and is waiting to hear back from him too.

Adam has to double back but it’s only three blocks. He’s at the small family owned restaurant quickly, and he makes his way inside. 

“Detective Adam Ruzek with the Chicago Pd. I’d like to talk to you about a call you made today. And I’d like to see the footage from your camera out front as quickly as possible please.” He flashes his badge and sends a text to Voight telling him he’s here and that they do have a security camera out front.

Adam only looks at the footage for about ten minutes before he sees it. Hailey crosses in front of the camera followed immediately by a tall caucasian man in jeans and green shirt. He only gets a side view of the guy, but what he sees next has him calling Voight.

“They didn’t shoot her! Boss, the guy takes her phone and shoots the gun down the alley behind the building. Then he shoves her into a black Ford Expedition. Plates are JRW-7742.” 

“Good work. I want you stay put. Burgess is running those plates right now. As soon as I have any info I’ll let you know.” He knows they aren’t in the clear yet, but the fact that Hailey is still alive right now is all the motivation they need. 

Jay is just sitting on a bench. A part of him still cannot believe what happened. He feels like if Hailey died, it would hurt more. He’s just numb. He wants to hope she is still alive but he heard the shot. He looks down at his ringing phone again. He’s already declined a call from Kevin and now it’s Voight. Probably calling to make sure he’s okay, but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. It isn’t until a text comes through that he suddenly feels like he can breathe again.

Voight: Dammit Halstead. Pick up the phone. Hailey is ALIVE.

He’s calling him back and running towards the precinct at once. Hope exploding inside his chest.

If Hailey thought she had a headache before, she was mistaken. The pounding in her skull is excruciating, and it’s all she can focus on. The guy had struck her with the butt of the gun on the back of the head before she was tossed into the suv. She thinks they only drove a couple of blocks before they stop and haul her out and into a building, but she can’t be sure. She’s just trying to not throw up at this point.

“She tipped someone off, I’m telling you.” The guy she had been following is pacing and talking to the guy in the green shirt who pulled the gun.

“The little shit never made it to Becks with the bag. I want to know who she called.” He stalks towards her ready to get the information he needs by any method.

Hailey is thankful her badge is still in her center console, right now, they don’t know she is a cop which is fantastic for her. 

Suddenly her head is jerked backwards by her ponytail and her vision goes black. The words they are shouting at her are a jumbled mess to her ears and as soon as her head is released, she knows she is going to be sick. She manages to lean far enough to the side to avoid covering herself in her own vomit. The force it takes to throw up sends the pain in her head skyrocketing and she welcomes the blackness as she looses consciousness.

The team is gearing up and rushing out to find Hailey. The plates were traced to a local auto shop owner and while the registration and the plates didn’t match, the guy used his real name on the forms. The owner knew the guy was bad news and told him not to come back. They were able to get a hit in the system. Nicky Tomes, 27 years old with a rap sheet so long they’d still be reading through it if they hadn’t of gotten an address from his file. The building is only 15 minutes out, and they all are silently praying for Hailey to be okay.

Jay is riding shotgun with Voight. He listens to Voight as he lists off rules for him to follow. He’s to stay back, not enter the building unless absolutely necessary, keep his emotions in check. Basically he is going to be standing by the truck, but Voight could have told him to stay back at the district so he will pretty much do anything he says at this point.

His heart is racing and he can hear how hard he is breathing as they get closer and closer to their destination. He’s saying her name like a prayer in his head, and he just wants to see her. He wants to look into her eyes and see that she is okay. It’s been three hours since he heard her voice. They have to be in time. It’s his only hope.

He feels completely helpless as he watches his team breach the building and his hands squeeze around the comms system as Adams voice cuts through.

“I got eyes on the partner. He’s coming back down the rear hallway. Anyone have eyes on Tomes?” His voice is barely a whisper and Jay swears it’s hours before Vanessa’s voice comes on the line confirming she’s got him in her sights. The line goes quite and Jay has only his heart pounding in his ears for company. Minutes pass with no sound from inside and Jay is about to enter the building when the door is opened. Kevin appears, shoving a handcuffed Tomes out, and Voight is calling for an ambulance over the radio.

The second he hears that the building is clear, Jay is rushing inside. His eyes land on the familiar blonde hair of Hailey, only her signature ponytail is matted with blood. He pushes Kims hands out of the way grabbing the knife to quickly cut through the zip ties on her wrists and ankles and then he pulls her in his arms. He practically sobs out in relief as he finds a steady pulse at her neck. She doesn’t respond but he keeps telling her he’s here and that she’s okay. He rides with her to the hospital and he holds her hand the entire way.

When Hailey opens her eyes she expects to still be in that room, tied to that chair. She realizes quickly that she in the hospital and she can’t stop the tears that fall when she sees Jay sleeping in a chair next to her bed. This isn’t the worst thing to happen to her since she graduated the Academy, but its the most serious since she started dating Jay. She knows he must have been so worried. 

“How you feeling Hailey?” Voight’s voice is even raspier in whisper form. She turns to look at him and presses her lips together to keep them from trembling. He’s most likely disappointed in her and while it’s only the second time she has seen this look from him, it still crushes her. She strives to do her best and today she let her eagerness get the best of her. She never even heard the guy behind her. She can only stare back at him and hope he is quick in his anger. 

She is totally surprised when he just grabs her right hand in his and gives it a quick squeeze. “You scared the hell out of all of us today Hailey, especially him.” He gestures to Jay’s sleeping form. “I know your intentions were good, but you disobeyed a direct order.” He takes a deep breath and tries to keep his anger in check, He understands why she did what she did, but she was missing for three hours. “Finding you today was a miracle. You’re obviously out on medical until you’re cleared with your concussion, but then you are on desk duty until I say otherwise. Understood?”

She takes a shaky breath in and blinks away fresh tears. She finds herself nodding her head, and she is thankful it will only be desk duty. He could do an official report, or even suspend her, so she isn’t going to argue with him. He taps her foot and tells her he is glad she is okay and then he turns and leave.

“You got lucky there.” Jay’s voice has her head turning quickly towards him and she winces at the pain the sudden movement causes. “You got so fucking lucky Hailey...you...” She sees his throat work to swallow and his eyes are filled with tears. She reaches out to him, needing to offer him some kind of comfort. He grips her hand like a lifeline and leans closer to the bed.

“I thought you were dead.” His voice breaks and the tears that were building begin to fall. He presses his forehead against the side of her arm and lets them. For almost two full hours she had been dead. In his mind he heard that shot and that was it. He was never going to see her again. “I thought I lost you.”

He sounds so broken and Hailey cries right along with him. She knows she got lucky. She got out of this with only a concussion and a scalp laceration that wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought. They had placed four staples and that was it. She feels so guilty for putting him and the rest of the team through this. She just wanted to help. 

She tugs his hand until he understands she wants him on the bed with her. He pushes her gently so he can slide next to her and then he’s pulling her tight against him. They stay like that for a long time. Hailey keeps telling him she is okay and that she is sorry but he doesn’t say anything. He only holds her tight as she falls asleep.

Jay’s mind is racing. The feel of her heart beating strong against his chest is soothing but he can’t stop thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong today. He nearly lost her, and suddenly all thoughts of the ‘right time’ or ‘perfect’ scenario for proposing are gone. Part of him wants to shake her awake and demand that she marry him. He doesn’t want another day to go by where she isn’t his completely. An idea pops into his head and he carefully slides out from under her and leaves her sleeping. 

The next time Hailey opens her eyes, Trudy and Clara are the ones to greet her. After a scolding from Trudy, and a tearful plea to ‘never do this again’ from Clara, they spend the next hour talking and Hailey finds herself laughing along with them more than once. She’s a little worried Jay isn’t here, but she tries not to let it show. Clara is describing a movie she went to see with some friends when Jay walks back into the room.

“Ladies.” He greets them all with a smile and drops a kiss on Hailey’s forehead. “Thought you could use one of these...considering your old one is toast.” He hands her the small cellphone box and tells her to make sure everything is good to go. He watches for a second to make sure she opens the box up and then he turns around, hand reaching into his pocket.

“Jay.” She manages to squeak out his name and nearly drops the new phone. Trudy and Clara look on in confusion. There on the home lock screen of her simple black phone are the words ‘Will you marry me?’ Her heart is suddenly racing and she looks up from the screen with watery eyes to see Jay, a ring stretched out between his fingers towards her.

“I love you Hailey. I tired to make this perfect and memorable and then I realized there isn’t ever going to be a right time to ask you. I want to spend my life with you. I want to make a family with you. Will you marry me?” He wants to say so much more, but he’s just happy he made it through without messing up.

“Yes. Jay, Yes!” She knows her hands are shaking as he slides the ring on, and then all she can think about is the feel of his lips against hers. She only pulls back when she remembers Trudy and Clara are still in the room. Clara rushes forward and is congratulating both of them with hugs and then Trudy steps forward.

“Sarge...are those tears?” The stare she gives Jay is almost comical.

“No...there’s dust in my eye is all.” Trudy tries to hide the fact that they are definitely tears in her eyes. She will never admit out loud, but she’s a total sucker for a little romance. She is so happy for the two of them, but even more so for Hailey. The girl pulled herself from the rubble and built something amazing for her life. She deserves to be happy.

Jay can hardly wait to get Hailey home. He wants to hold her in his arms in the comfort of their home, and he can’t wait to officially start their life together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story got away from me a bit...They have been through a lot, and I think they deserve their happily ever after now. Thanks for the continued support! ~Nan


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was done, but apparently you guys didn’t...enjoy~Nan

Part 1

Today was a Fairytale

Hailey’s stomach has been in knots for hours. She can’t seem to keep her legs from bouncing and she is unable to think of a single time where she has ever been this nervous. If she didn’t love Jay so much, she would grab him and head to City Hall instead of this. They had decided to get married as quickly as possible, not caring for anything big or flashy. 

It’s only been three months since Jay proposed in the hospital, and they have had more than enough time to get everything done that they needed for them to get married. They both had been opposed to a big wedding and had decided to invite some close friends and obviously that included the members of the Intelligence unit. When the majority of the venues they looked at were either too large or way to flashy, Adam suggested his rooftop. She hadn’t seen it at night all lit up, but in the daylight she could tell it was going to be perfect. The men of the unit had gotten together a couple of weekends in a row to make some lattice fences and string tiny Edison bulbs across the rooftop. They had insisted it was a surprise and she couldn’t wait to see it.

She jumps at the quick knock on the door and she hurries to open it secretly hoping it is Jay. She smiles slightly as Clara rushes into the room. The smile grows as Clara lets out an excited squeal and tells Hailey she looks beautiful.

“Hailey seriously! You’re like a woodland fairy.” 

Clara thinks she has never seen anyone more beautiful in her entire life. Hailey had gotten some small highlights to lighten her hair even more, and she had opted to keep her make up natural. Her hair was mostly down in her signature waves, with tiny braids woven in and pulled to the back of her head. Tiny blue and yellow wildflowers completed the enchanted look.

“Thank you sweetheart. You look beautiful too.” Clara had chosen a simple chiffon dress in a deep emerald color. It accented her red hair perfectly and her eyes were shining brightly. Clara thanks her and joins Hailey in front of the mirror. She wraps her arm around Hailey’s and leans her head against her shoulder.

Hailey reaches up with her opposite hand and brushes at Clara’s cheek. “What are you thinking about?” Clara’s eyes had gone a little watery, and Hailey thinks maybe she is sad.

“I just realized how lucky I am. What I went through was awful and it’s taken a lot of work to get where I am today, but it brought you and Jay and Trudy and Randy into my life. Do you believe in fate?” 

“I never did before...but I guess, yeah I do now.” She turns to look Clara in the eye instead of through the mirror and then continues. “I could have gotten assigned to any precinct and I think it’s more than a coincidence that I was placed here, where the one person from my childhood that cared about me works. Having Jay as my partner too...we both got lucky Clara, and I am so very glad that you are here with us.” She pulls her in for a tight hug. Suddenly the nerves are gone, and she is so ready to do this.

Trudy comes to collect them minutes later and as they take the freight elevator to the roof, Hailey decides to make a last minute change.

“Walk me down the isle?” She grips Trudy’s hand tightly, a tiny part of her afraid she will say no.

“Yeah?” Trudy feels so privileged that Hailey wants her to walk down the isle. At Hailey’s watery laugh she quickly agrees and then tells her to hold off on the water works until after the pictures. “No one likes a blotchy bride...”

Jay holds his breath as the elevator signals its arrival followed by Clara. He smiles at her as she begins to walk down the isle sprinkling the same tiny wildflowers from Hailey’s hair. His heart skips when he sees Hailey at the end of the isle. He briefly registers that Trudy is next to her and he is happy about that, but his eyes are glued on his bride. He had imagined a thousand ways she could look today when she told him she was keeping it simple. He thinks she looks like a Queen from a distant enchanted forest and he can’t believe how lucky he is. That of all the guys she could have chosen to give her heart to, she chose him. The closer she gets, the steadier his heartbeat is. 

He thanks Trudy, and shockingly accepts the kiss she presses to his cheek before turning and doing the same to Hailey. Then he’s gripping Hailey’s hands in his and knows they can face whatever is thrown their way as long as they are together.

Part 2 

In my life

“Hey. Where did you disappear to?” Jay walks along side Hailey upstairs towards their desk.

“Just had an errand I needed to run.” She knows he wants to ask more about it, but thankfully Voight is telling them they caught a case and she is extremely grateful for the interruption. She hates keeping things from him, but this one is definitely going to be worth it. She hopes...

The case ends up being a simple open and shut, and its over not even a full day after being assigned. It works perfectly for Hailey because while she had wished Jay a Happy Birthday along with everyone else this morning, her lunch hour escape yesterday is his surprise for tonight. 

“Halsteads!” Adam insists on addressing them this way and it never fails to make them both smile. She chose to remain Detective Hailey Upton at work, but legally she is Mrs. Jay Halstead and she has never been prouder.

“Come drink with us tonight! We closed the case, and it’s your birthday man.” Adam tries unsuccessfully to convince them both to join them at Molly’s.

“Sorry man...it’s the first birthday with the wife.” He gives Adam a sly smile and then he’s grinning at the blush that heats Hailey’s cheeks. He doesn’t actually know what she has planned, but he hopes it has something to do with the upscale boutique store bag she has stashed in the top of the closet. He can’t wait to get home to celebrate with her.

They pick up a pizza and some extra beer on the way home because no matter how many suggestions Hailey had made about a nice dinner out, Jay had insisted that this was how he wanted to spend his birthday with her.

Dinner is casual and nothing out of the ordinary for them. They end up on the couch with their beers and Jay begins to wonder is maybe she isn’t actually planning anything for him. They watch three episodes of Schitts Creek before Hailey gets up to use the restroom. She’s gone about ten minutes when he hears her call out for him.

“Jay, can you come here for a sec?” She doesn’t sound hurt or in a panic so he doesn’t race back to her. He pushes open their bedroom door and the bottle he was raising pauses mid air.

Hailey is propped on the bed in the sexiest lilac bra and panty set he has every seen. And she looks amazing in her simple cotton sets, so to see her like this...he marvels again at how fucking luck he is.

The beer spilling out on his shirt shakes him out of his thoughts and then he is setting the bottle on the small table by the door and he stops at the side of the bed to stare at her. God he loves her...

“Happy Birthday Jay.” She smiles but it’s a little shy. She has never done this before. She has never basically offered herself up as desert so blatantly before. The nerves slide away almost as quickly as they came when she sees the hunger in his eyes. She sits up and then slides off the bed to stand in front of him.

Her hands trail up his arms and stop at his face to pull him towards her. Her lips meet his and then his hands are tangling in her hair, tilting her back to deepen the kiss. She loses herself in the kiss and her hands roam his body to his back and up under his shirt. She pulls back slightly and drags in some much needed air. Her hands move to stop his from undoing the clasp on her bra and then she lightly shoves at his chest.

“Not yet. This is about you tonight.” She turns them and pushes him back onto the bed until he is sitting on the edge. She lowers to her knees in front of him and her hands automatically move to the buckle on his jeans.

Jay leans back on his hands and lifts his hips so she can pull his jeans and boxers and he quickly removes his shirt. His eyes close and he can’t help the groan that leaves his throat when her cool hand grips him. She is like his own living fantasy right now and has to grip the sheets to keep him from reaching out for her. If this is her gift to him, he’s gonna enjoy it. 

He holds off for as long as he can before he can’t stem the urge to pull her up onto the bed with him. She’s naked and under him in record time and his only regret is that he didn’t savor her in this outfit. He grins down at her and lets out a little growl of approval that she is wet and ready. He pushes slowly into her and he swears every time is like coming home.

Later, Hailey is resting on top of Jay, drawing meaningless patterns on his chest. She’s a little nervous to tell him his real present. It’s been a while since they talked about it, but she hopes he will be just as happy and excited as she is.

“So there’s something else I have for your birthday.” She pushes herself up and waits for him to join her. She tucks the sheet around her chest and under her arms.

“Should I close my eyes?” A laugh bubbles up from her and in this moment he looks so young and happy. She reaches for his hand and brushes his fingertips over the underside of her left arm at the small incision there. 

“I had my birth control implant removed yesterday. It was due to be replaced and I just thought...I wanted to do something special for you.” She thinks maybe she missed the mark completely because he’s just staring at her with a shocked look on his face. “I can have it replaced if you...”

He doesn’t let her finish, just hauls her up against him and holds her so tight she can hardly breathe. 

“Hailey.” All words seem to escape him in this moment and he is so happy his heart feels like it could burst. It’s only her name, but in it, he hopes she hears everything she needs to hear. This is the best birthday present he has ever and will likely ever receive. He pulls her so she is straddling him and then their hands are everywhere at once. He tips her head back so she has to look at him and he gives her one of the naughtiest smiles she has ever seen from him.

“I’m gonna have so much fun trying to make a baby with you every chance I can.” He flips them so she is under him. “Starting right this second.”

When they finally make it back to the bed after another intense round in the shower, she curls up against him and whispers Happy Birthday to him and then chuckles at his response.

“Best birthday EVER!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously...that’s the end lol...see you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> So it’s a lot to start off with...but when I tried to break it into smaller chapters it just didn’t work...hopefully you guys like it. ~Nan


End file.
